Blessed – lucky – are those who cry. Blessed are those who are sad, who mourn, who feel the loss of what they love – because they will be held by the One Who loves them. There is a strange and aching happiness only the hurting know – for they shall be held.
~Ann Voskamp
So shall they fear the name of the Lord from the west, and His glory from the rising of the sun. When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him. And the Redeemer shall come to Zion, and unto them that turn from transgression in Jacob, saith the Lord. As for Me, this is My covenant with them, saith the Lord; My spirit that is upon thee, and My words which I have put in thy mouth, shall not depart out of thy mouth, nor out of the mouth of thy seed, nor out of the mouth of thy seed’s seed, saith the Lord, from henceforth and for ever.
~Isaiah, in chapter 59 of his Oracle
But now thus says the LORD, He Who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in My eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you. I will say to the north, Give up, and to the south, Do not withhold; bring My sons from afar and My daughters from the end of the earth, everyone who is called by My Name, whom I created for My glory, whom I formed and made.
~G_d, The L_RD of all creation, in Isaiah 43
Oh beloved, it is true.
Sometimes life can be rough. Oh, its not that the end of the story is in doubt – and that yields joyous hope. But the roughness is for many that they are in relationship with people who honestly do not give a flying marshmallow about how their lives and actions affect others.
I grew up in the home of a sociopathic father. I know he tried to love me, but he could not get past the viewpoint that people were an obstacle to his happiness. Beyond the simple stuff like the constant criticism over my performance at school (like one semester where I got all A’s and one B), and his finding the smallest detail of where I missed something while doing all the lawn work in our large back yard, and even larger front yard – there was a brooding, and frightening side to him. There was a twisted sexual aspect to him too. Both me and my sister experienced some of this… nobody believed us, and it made it even more terrifying.
There have been a number of times where I have been yanked out of bed at 10pm or later at night, because he decided he needed some help on a project, and as I joined him – dazed and shocked awake – I was expected to be instantly on my best performance and to know everything that needed to be done. In my younger years I was mystified about what to do, as he yelled at me for getting things wrong. As I grew into my teen years, I had worked at mach 5 to know everything I could – just to avoid the traumatic moments where I was putting all of me into a situation – only to be told that I was stupid for missing the point on some complex piping issue or something.
Beyond this, if I ever tried to stand up for myself – even a little bit – down would come thunderous anger, curses, and even threats to kill me. I remember a moment, somewhere deep in the night, where I snapped at my dad after being shocked awake, and put on duty in a muddy part of some construction he was doing. I was just so tired, and had something important at school the next day…. but, instead of any empathy, he raised up a long-handled spade and held it like a baseball batter. “Do you want me to take your head off right here? I could do it!” Terrorized, I tried to assist, while shaking from the adrenaline and cortisol that had poured into my late-adolescent system. There is oceans more, but retelling it is not the point of this entry.
I grew up, escaped from home less that 60 days from when I graduated high school, and went to college. While there, I met the woman that would be my first wife. We had many good years together, and I had a lot of growing up to do in my young 20s. We had many adventures, and I even got the good job – with the title and everything – then bought her the house and cars and dogs and pools and everything-else-a-family-with-four-kids-needs. It was a relatively good thing we had going. More laughter than conflict and some moments of true joy…
Stuff like this never lasts. And that’s generally ok. However, in our doing, my dad entered the scene again. He somehow decided that my youngest child was a premium target for the desires and lusts that grow from a mind that does not see people as people. He sexually abused her multiple times. And when we found out, his only response at first was to try and turn the blame back on me – he did this at a table in my kitchen, with two of my friends, my wife, and my mom. He literally tried to turn a method we were using as parents that helped children feel safe when we were touching them, into evidence that I might be at fault, just as he was. I was crushed. Oh, later at the table – he also confessed, but the smashing effect of the moment changed the arc of my life.
I kind of fell apart.
I had always tried to get someone to listen to me, about how i was scared, and so was my sister. But, my dad was an established physician, an elder at a church, where he wore a big cross over his tie on Sunday, and caried a big Bible that he left in the car during the week. I was patted on the head and basically told that I was morally wrong – even a little crazy – to say things like this to a teacher or church leader I trusted… Anyway, after all the years of being told to shut up, my story was vindicated. But the word was already out that I was just trying to hurt my father, etc. … He ended up in County Jail for a year, and was put on lifetime probation. Why? Because we pled with the court to not sentence him to the 42 years he was facing. Even so, 40-50 people on my parent’s side of the courtroom glared at me as I supposedly ruined his life.
My wife was hurting too. But the way she handled it was really demeaning. After the initial crisis I had over all of the above, we moved to another state and into a larger home with an even larger yard. But, in her own crisis, she basically shut me out of her life. For a while, I was even thrown out of my own bed, and consigned to a cot between my two sons in their room. … Things got weirder, as she withdrew into some sort of space – thinking that forgiveness meant that she had to validate the crime – my life became a droning existence where any failure I had was read back to me on a list alongside all my other numerous failures. And then, to my utter surprise one morning, I was called over to the church, where I was handed certain papers from a court server, and told they were separation papers. I was told that if I could get my act together, we could begin building a path back to me living in my home. She had a point, and I willingly accepted the papers.
The problem was that they were not separation papers, they were divorce papers. And when I came by my house for an important item out of my office, I entered it, only to find that everything was gone out of the space. I suddenly started to see it… Oh G_d. I had been set up. Everything that I ever knew as life was removed. It is impossible to communicate the sense of betrayal I felt in that moment. It was like I was stunned by a very large blow to the head, and then told to shut up when I made any protestation about the impact.
I did not handle any of the above very well, and ended up descending into a chemical death spiral. Thankfully, the One Who never leaves us, is always there to help if we ask. I did. He helped. And while I emerged from my near-death experience fully-alive, I had lost that family, along with the big house, and the big job with the title and everything else. It was a time of mourning for me. Everything, really everything from my old life was gone. Years of being hurt and taken advantage of wore down my soul. I was only 45, but felt like I was a 100.
However, G_d is in the business of helping us in our time of need.
But wow, my soul seems to attract people that are the opposite of me. Honestly, since i was a child, i have been an empath. I have felt people’s pains and joys. I have always wanted their best, and never wanted to judge others. I can’t really explain it, but G_d seems to have wired me for kindness and loving others. This attribute is something that most people either scoff at, or mock as something fake about me. It is not my job to get people to know i am for real, but i surely have been given a ministry of being misunderstood. It hurts. A lot. Especially when the people i have been close to have taken advantage of who i am, and leveraged it to their own advantage.
I met a woman online, and knew that she was the one to marry. I left my job at Google to go overseas and take this woman as my wife, along with her 4-year old son. I am sure that He guided me to be her husband, and for me to be a father to this son. Absolutely sure.
My son is a young 14, but we have been through a decade of real trouble with him. He has an iron will that is tuned only to his desires for food, TV, and other pleasures. We thought he might begin to grow out of it, with years of counseling and special Ed, but instead we have begun to see deep sociopathic tendencies where he acts out in dark, and brooding anger. Last month, I heard a familiar cycle, when he threatened me with violence if I did not give him the thing he wanted. I saw the same, dark, empty, uncaring eyes that saw me as a pawn in his game. I have no idea where this is going to go, but we will continue to pour on the love, and the training. However, part of me despairs of hope in this quagmire of anger that comes from him and flows through my house. I am decades into this, but it feels like centuries.
Beyond this, my beloved has had her own wounds from the past. A first husband had treated her like chattel; working to censor her speech, actions, and even her thoughts. So, as I entered into this G_d- ordained relationship, I faced a problem that i did not know was going to happen. In her own hurt, her responses to me were fierce, angry, and very unkind. During the first years of my marriage, I endured a barrage of angry responses and threats that usually happened every 18-36 hours. I was in a hellish storm of her anger for the first seven years of our marriage, where every, yes every aspect of my character was mocked and belittled during these protracted outbursts that she herself called “warfreak-mode” when she was in her right mind again.
It really was like walking in a mine field. All it took was for me to say something she did not like, or to do anything outside of her fluid paradigms, and the explosions went off. However, they were not flashes of anger, they were days (even weeks sometimes) of brooding and saying things about me that cut to the heart of my empathetic core. I have tried see the space she was in, and it is likely what helped me keep loving this woman who did not believe that she was lovable.
She was responding out of her own fear and hurt from the past, but in the 7-8 years that it took for me to convince her that I was just a man who loved her, and wanted the best for her, I had endured many hundreds of her blow-ups and our son’s drumbeat of demands and anger.
It beat the hell out of me. I have been in an abusive environment almost my entire life. It has both made me incredibly strong, and softened me to the point that I can be a healing agent to others in almost any situation. Even so, as I approach my 60s, I have begun to count the days until going Home. As Dr. Peter Kreeft has said: “We are all immortals dreaming the terrible dream of terrible dream of mere mortality.”
I have learned to seek the L_RD, and to dwell in His Presence despite what is happening in my life. The relational strength of communion does not stop the pain, but it is the key to my hope and survival.
Even so, I have now been diagnosed as having PTSD. The deep slices into my soul and spirit over the past five decades, have left me bruised, hurt, broken, and really out of sorts. And as our son keeps up his angry tempo, my bride has spent a couple years working on the her problems. I am so proud of her as she has struggled to be free from her past, and bitterness towards me and some of her family.
However, there are still the times where i am just walking through my day, and i say or do something that somehow trips a switch, and the explosion of anger overwhelms me and the house for hours, or still even days. This rocks my world most times. I have been pummeled since I was 6, and I am 56 now. I. Am. Exhausted.
Regardless, I am enough. Christ is enough. He is my Peace, AND…. i am exhausted.
Can we see it?
Each of us carry some burden. Some of us have been really, deeply, even near-mortally injured by life. The arrows of others have pierced our internal organs, and their hands have wounded us. Beyond this, their words acted as hands to reach into our chest and tear our inner being – our heart – to shreds.
And…
It still remains that we have the opportunity to spend (starting now) an eternity of eternities alongside Our Heavenly Father, and in communion with the billions of saints that have suffered alongside us through the centuries. We will have our tears and pain wiped away by the very hand of Our Lord Jesus, Who will welcome us Home forever, and Who will make sure that we receive our due in the bema judgement we will face.
Beloved, Scripture is true. It is the very words of G_d, spoken to us through men who knew how to listen to His Voice (oh! it is beautiful!!), and wrote them down that we could hear Him too. And in His Word, He has told us that we are His. He has told us that we will never be abandoned or forsaken (He was with us through all the pain, and made sure of our survival). He has told us that we will literally inherit the riches of the Kingdom of Heaven, and that we will rule with Him across the universe – forever.
So, are you hurt? i am so sorry. Your pain is my pain, and i care for you all who read this blog. Honestly, i desire all of your good. i can even experience some of this as you leave comments. But, even in all of that, what will you do with the promises in Isaiah above? Will you believe and be strengthened? Or, will you reject them and die in a crushing cocoon of bitterness, hurt and resentment?
Tonight is your night. Time to believe His Word. He is real, and speaking to you right now. Take shelter in His everlasting arms. They will sustain you through the deepest valleys.
Oh, and for those who believe, i look forward to hearing your stories, and how He brought you through them when all reach our Destination with Him!
You are whatever you love. You are, at your very essence, not what you think, but what you love…We are all compelled not by what we believe is right, but by what we love the most. You are not driven by duties, you are not driven by doctrines; you are driven by what you ultimately desire – and maybe you don’t actually really love whatever you think you love.
~Ann Voskamp
