“Then the lion said — but I don’t know if it spoke — You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it. “The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know — if you’ve ever picked the scab of a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.” “I know exactly what you mean,” said Edmund. “Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off – just as I thought I’d done it myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt – and there it was lying on the grass, only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me – I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on — and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again. . . .”
~ CS Lewis, in The Voyage of The Dawn Treader
Now as he went on his way, he approached Damascus, and suddenly a light from heaven shone around him. And falling to the ground, he heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?” And he said, “Who are You, Lord?” And He said, “I am Jesus, Whom you are persecuting. But rise and enter the city, and you will be told what you are to do.” The men who were traveling with him stood speechless, hearing the Voice but seeing no one. Saul rose from the ground, and although his eyes were opened, he saw nothing. So they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. And for three days he was without sight, and neither ate nor drank. … Now there was a disciple at Damascus named Ananias. The Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Here I am, Lord.” And the Lord said to him, “Rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying, and he has seen in a vision a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him so that he might regain his sight.” But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on Your Name.” But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of Mine to carry My Name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of My Name.”
Oh beloved, it is true.
It has been tried more times than we know. Without fail, the effort has been weighed and found wanting. We, each of us, come into this newfound relationship with Jesus, The Christ, believe we have entered into something that is going to make our existence better.
We could not have been more wrong.
All through the years that have flowed from our passage from the water of the womb, into the dry and bitter atmosphere of this fallen cosmos, we have been filled with a desire to get the things we think we need to feel.
We have sought after wealth, not for the good of all, but to bring power to manipulate the world around us. We gather the currency that we think will wall us off from loss and risk. We lust after the cash that feeds our other lusts.
We attempt to take power, and to try and master our own destiny. And when that fails, we take power, that we might control and manipulate others. We are so self-centered that we really do believe that if everyone just did as we thought best, things would be OK. It is a fool’s errand, but off we go trying to put people under our thumb, ‘for their own good.’
And, all throughout this frenetic dance, we quite often think that simply feeling good enough, is enough. Little impulses and glands combine to dispense an amplified desire for more of whatever gave us a moment of relief. However, it is never enough. We become ravenous for the things we consume, but their nutrition for our souls and spirits are not there. And then, the diminishing returns of that one look, or taste, or activity, actually take over and begin to lead us straight away from the fulfillment we thought we were after.
When none of the above delivers on their claims, we begin to feel the isolation and despair. But then, in comes the idea that if we could just get people to like us, or to think great things about us, it will validate our existence. And, in finding validation, we think we will find peace where none has existed. However, we soon see that other people’s opinions are fleeting. And, even if they did accord us honor on a consistent basis, we see that being recognized by another fallen human really doesn’t do much for us except lead us further in the deserts of the self, that has taken over the landscape of our souls.
Can we see it?
We have been looking for it, but we have been so close to the thing that keeps us from seeing, that we look right past the barrier to our fulfillment. The problem is me. The problem is me considering myself to be the center of the universe. The problem is my astounding hubris in thinking that I – a finite homo sapien – know better than the One Who Designed my desires in the first place.
However, each of us if we are willing to see; if we allow ourselves to be moved off the axial plane of our egos, it allows us to see that the answer is WAY more simple than we thought. We look back at the tiny and narrow perspective our own flesh provided us… And we look out into the wide open spaces of freedom in Christ.
And, as terrible as it appears, it is the only way to proceed through the crisis. We realize, that somehow we are still enmeshed in the ‘me’ that wants to stay firmly ensconced in the place of authority of our being. And, in seeing our desperate problem, we cry out to Him and scream our inability to get free from that which has been weighing us down, and drawing us back towards death.
Then, in that moment; in that place where we have become completely undone trying to undo ourselves, He steps in with the Blade of His Word, and cuts us free. There is a brief moment of excruciating pain. But, what comes after is a realization that the freedom has come in one very enlightening moment:
Life is not about me. And, the only way I can truly gain anything in life is to give it away in Love for others. We begin to see that this is exactly what G_d has been doing forever: yielding to the Love within Their Triune Being, and that Love has so filled Each of Them, that Their power is beyond mere infinitude. That Love has become the basis for reality.
So, are you feeling like you just can’t get what you want? This feeling is absolutely true. However, if we allow the idea to perish – and our egos along with feeling – we will find for that our desires never really for ourselves. Our desires were for G_d.
Tonight is your night. Allow the self to be cut away, that the real you can emerge: Free, whole, complete, alive, and Loved – forever.
God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.
~ CS Lewis, Mere Christianity
