Bittersweet is a word not understood by most. Only them who have heard the enormous roar of His quiet Peace above the storm through which they have passed, know this word’s true sense.
~ Makala Barnabas Doulos
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on My account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
~Jesus, The King of Heaven, in Matthew 5
If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ Who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory… Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is All, and in all.
~paul, The Least of The Apostles, in chapter 3 of his letter to the Colossians
Intro
Wanna know what drives me now; what kindles the Jeremiah Fire in my soul? https://ps1611.org/2021/10/through-the-stygian-silence/
This fool of a writer has spent a very good portion of his life, living beyond the borders of the country where he was born. i was born into a middle class family, in a middle part of the US. But, through a number of circumstances, our family ended up out in the Southwest deserts of Arizona.
In that place, my family found a church that had a lot going for it. And, in that place, there was a pastor who had a heart for doing the right thing and also pressing forward with the truth in his preaching. Somehow, in the foolishness and disobedience of my youth, i heard the call: There is a world that is hurting and really needs Jesus. I was given the distinct honor of meeting and hearing from a number of the very big names in missions.
And one night, in about 1979, Bob Pierce from Samaritan’s Purse spoke of the need for our hearts to be broken by the things that break G_d’s heart. It got it, sort of. I stood up in front of nearly 1,000 people along with only about 6 or 10 others that I could see. I was only in 6th grade, but I understood that somehow my life was going to change.
Lotsa life happened… https://ps1611.org/2016/09/forever-beyond-the-great-sadness-2/
I almost crashed it all. Alcohol, lost relationships, trauma, abuse, loss, betrayal, failure, jail, bankruptcy, health issues, and more. And I went through many of the ups and downs mentioned below, but what really happened is that i had come to the end of myself, and so on October 19th, 2010… I slammed my hand down on the dusty Bible on my desk and said:
“Oh fuck this. G_d, just do whatever You gotta do. Kill me if You have to, but just fix me…” He did, and he is still doing it.
So, yeah… It is weird. But about a year later, I believe that He showed me a glimpse of the end of my path on this earth. I don’t know when, or even where. But it will definitely be on “my road” (more about this below). Somewhere on this globe, someday, i will arrive at the moment. This has been a lavish comfort for me. Helping me to trust Him when things have gotten – sometimes – very dicey.
The Road
Please know, beloved reader, that this fool of a writer knows that I am not perfect prophet. But, what i also know is that G_d has given me a spirit of revelation that has moved me around the world, and His direction that has led me to adventures beyond my wildest dreams in nearly every timezone. And, there are times where I have been wrong. The nice one about this is that it will be cleared up in this life.
The beginning started with a missions-minded pastor who shared the vision of young men going out into the fields. My first run (and first physical peek at my road) at it was a 50-day mission to Australia in 1982, to help build a youth camp in the Blue Mountains outside of Sydney. i had no idea what the next four decades would bring… The road looked like this:
Then, I went to a missions-oriented training center for a year, took a year to work, and then went back to my studies at Arizona State University.
But the end of the road…
The road’s end kinda starts in 1986. A fellow student walked up to me in my English class at Arizona State University… He was an overt Christian and a cool guy, but i did not know him beyond name and face recognition. And what he said has never dropped out of my consciousness. Actually, he blew the doors clean off of my paradigms at the time.
“Brother, can we talk?”
“Yeah, sure.”
He said, “I had a dream about you. I have to tell you about it.”
I said, “Ummm, OK.”
“You were preaching the Gospel in China in front of a large number of people. There may have been a baptism or something going on. Things were not going so well for you. There was some hostility in the crowd. But, you were bold and spoke the truth.”
This moment was 37 years ago, and the words he said are not absolutely clear to me today, but it is not because i don’t remember the moment. Rather, it is because the moment hammered me so hard that i was dazed as i walked away from it. It was not a chatty interchange at the end of a class. It was, rather, like being hit by a car outside the building instead. i still had no idea…
Another stint on the field, in Germany this time – after finishing my B.A. at a Christian college in 1990. I was an embedded contractor with a signals battalion. And while i went through a fair amount of training before and after entering theatre, none of it (nor my Air-Force brat years) could not have prepared me for the mess that was Operation Desert Storm. EVERYTHING was in tumult. More failure. More growth. More brokenness, and a sense that what i was doing was good, but it was not where i was supposed to be. So, i took my wife and three kids back to Arizona and went into the marketplace for about 20 years. It was one of the most experiences, though.
But the dream the fellow student had shared with me never went away. In fact, it had become part of the foundation of my thinking. And upon a business trip to China one year in the mid ’90s, the dream flooded back into my life. i still had no idea….
Work has been kind of like the pit-stops of my race. None of my time in the marketplace has been wasted. It has never been the permanent me though. It has always been a Providential season where I have learned more about how to Love others and meet their needs in appropriate ways. Thankfully, I have made Sr. Engineer at two multi-billion dollar multi-nationals, but i can honestly say that i would rather sit in a village out in the middle of nowhere and listen to people’s stories, and try to respond with the resources i can.
More failure followed. Then came the death of my first marriage and the death of any hope that i could live my life the way i had been living it in the past. i went to get some help. And in that place, another man walked up to me in a dining room. He had energy very similar to the man who had spoken to me nearly 25 years earlier (more about the place i went to get healing).
“Brother, can we talk?”
“Yeah, sure.”
He said, “I had a dream about you. I have to tell you about it.”
I said (this time), “Absolutely”
“You are to be the cornerstone of many ministries to people. God is going to use you in great ways. I am absolutely sure of this. I just had to tell you.”
This moment brought much of my life into focus. All of the training and failure (lots of it) and success (a fair amount of that too) and learning and growing were turning me into someone who could be just this kind of person. The man into which He was molding me could support others in their work.
i still had no idea…. LOT’s of pain left to endure:
Maybe also glance at: https://ps1611.org/2022/07/to-us-fathers-who-failed/
But now, the life-killing failures were done. i had hit rock-bottom and found at the bottom of the pit of my failures, was the One who had mightily Saved me so many years ago; the One to Whom i had pledged my allegiance. He launched me out of the pit and in 2012, into a number of years of ministry that have been quite fruitful.
https://ps1611.org/2023/03/never-apologize-for-being-in-the-fight/
I’ve seen my road…
I have actually seen the road. I first saw it on a trip to the highlands outside of Sydney, Australia in 1982. The I saw it on a business trip. We had driven off of the Kulim High-Tech Park to go into the village (kampung) to get some lunch. For those who have not been in the developing world, it is odd. One can be in a group of quite modern buildings, amidst fulsome infrastructure, and suddenly drive off the edge into a thousand years ago. This was in the mid-1990s, so I did not have a phone to take a good picture. But this picture is very close.
This road haunts me in the most beautiful way. i first saw it in my mind’s eye… then in Australia… then Malaysia… on the cover of this book… and then in Jamaica during a moment of His ever-precise Providence. Then in Indonesia. He has told me that He has a million more that are to be saved… He told me this on the day, and in the place He told me He was going to tell me.
My road is the result of a Loving and Triune G_d who has both crushed and restored one man to Life and Freedom and Service. My calling was given to me in a Food For The Poor conference room in Spanish Town Jamaica on 9 November 2011. He spoke directly to me.
i am to live such that 1,000,000 more might walk fully surrendered to Christ. That they might put on His righteousness. That their joy may be full, and that they might pour the peace they are given on all men.
Isaiah Chapter 41
Listen to Me in silence, O coastlands;
let the peoples renew their strength;
let them approach, then let them speak;
let us together draw near for judgment.
Who stirred up one from the east
whom victory meets at every step?
He gives up nations before Him,
so that He tramples kings underfoot;
He makes them like dust with His sword,
like driven stubble with His bow.
He pursues them and passes on safely,
by paths His feet have not trod.
Who has performed and done this,
calling the generations from the beginning?
I, the Lord, the first,
and with the last; I am He.
The coastlands have seen and are afraid;
the ends of the earth tremble;
they have drawn near and come.
Everyone helps his neighbor
and says to his brother, “Be strong!”
The craftsman strengthens the goldsmith,
and he who smooths with the hammer him who strikes the anvil,
saying of the soldering, “It is good”;
and they strengthen it with nails so that it cannot be moved.
But you, Israel, My servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
the offspring of Abraham, My friend;
you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are My servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off”;
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Behold, all who are incensed against you
shall be put to shame and confounded;
those who strive against you
shall be as nothing and shall perish.
You shall seek those who contend with you,
but you shall not find them;
those who war against you
shall be as nothing at all.
For I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the one who helps you.”
Fear not, you worm Jacob,
you men of Israel!
I am the one who helps you, declares the Lord;
your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.
Behold, I make of you a threshing sledge,
new, sharp, and having teeth;
you shall thresh the mountains and crush them,
and you shall make the hills like chaff;
you shall winnow them, and the wind shall carry them away,
and the tempest shall scatter them.
And you shall rejoice in the Lord;
in the Holy One of Israel you shall glory.
When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
The Holy One of Israel has created it.
It is difficult to explain how real this is to me. It is a gift. And I have seen this book show up on bookshelves I have never seen, in places I visited during just the right moment where He adds His 11-dimension Imprimatur on a decision in 4-D environment.
He told me (Directly) to go to Jamaica… You might not believe some of the stories. Please simply trust that i have the receipts 🙂 – https://ps1611.org/category/jamaica/ … He directed me, blind, to the boy i was supposed to talk to, a country away. He manifested His Presence in an adoration room in such a way that any language cheapens the experience. Please read if you have time: https://ps1611.org/2016/05/in-the-near-presence/
Hence that dread and amazement with which, as Scripture uniformly relates, holy men were struck and overwhelmed whenever they beheld the presence of God. Men are never duly touched and impressed with a conviction of their insignificance until they have.
~ John Calvin
And so, down the road we go. There were a few now comforted and visited and saved and fed and housed and loved. But the numbers ahead of us are simply not doable. The mission is impossible. But G_d! Sounds like an adventure. Want to join in?
What if we could all just die to this world and, by His Grace, fling ourselves into this gargantuan fight against physical and spiritual poverty, hunger, and lack of clean water. Yeah, He could use rocks.
But God has invited us to join Him in His work!
What is the life of a person which is truly lived, but that which is imbued by heroic Grace in action? There is no other life. One has only to look to Christ on Easter to be convinced. He is indeed risen. He is King.
He is THE Hero of THE Story.
And then, i was starting to get an idea.
Three years have been in Indonesia, ministering among the Indonesian and Chinese population there. And among these people, nearly 200 walked into true faith in the One who had saved me so many years ago. And even one of the halls in which i preached seemed to resemble the hall that had grown in my imagination and dreams over the years. I saw the road again, clear as day looking down an accessway to a trash mountain outside of Jakarta.
I almost thought i had hit the end of the road for a few minutes one day…
i was given the opportunity to be with some of the poorest of the poor (read most precious in His sight) friends in a medical outreach and game day to the “illegal” trash mountain community at Nagrak-Cilincing in North Jakarta. Everything from toxic chemicals, to medical waste and McDonalds styrofoam end up here. The foul waste has fouled the earth – and the water beneath it – while foul smoke rises from fires on the mountain of refuse where people work to make money recycling.
We were visiting folks at the base of the mountain. Among the little village of shanty houses, with a very dirty well, a tiny kindergarten, and some goats, is a river so black and slimy that it exudes evil. Yet, even in horrendously broken places like this, there are those who will work to assert control, and perhaps gain influence.
The man in the picture above is a representative from the “Badan Pembinaan Potensi Keluarga Besar” (roughly: Body for the Development of the Potential of the Larger Family). This group is highly political and radically Muslim. They assert control over this area and assure that Islam is the only religion being preached on this mountain. His presence felt a tiny bit menacing at first. And while he was not brandishing a weapon, the bag at his side was probably carrying something far more dangerous than pamphlets.
(All that follows happened in the local language)… Towards the end of our visit, this neighbor (the BPPKB guy) and I walked by each other. I had totally lost situational awareness, and had wandered behind a broken down building. The sick little goats were eating some sickly looking trash. And i was alone on an illegal trash mountain – with a radical pretty much blocking my way to physical safety. The fear began to edge up in my flesh, and it honestly felt like i was in serious trouble. i had outrun death a couple of times on my road (avoiding a plane crash in Costa Rica, and barely outrunning Palestinian militants during the time leading up to the 2nd Intifada) and so i recognized the bright, sour, metallic taste in the back of my throat. And… i was at peace. i honestly believed i was in trouble, but everything was ok. Then suddenly the fear dropped away like a wave receding from a long beach. His Spirit took hold of my hand and reached it out to shake the man’s hand. I already Loved him, so why not? Our eyes met and I smiled, shook his hand and gently put my left hand over the embrace of our right hands. He smiled at me and said to me, “Terima kasih pak (Thank you mister) for visiting these children.” Something welled up in me, and I said back to him in my broken Indonesian, “No, sire (an appropriate term of respect for elders), thank you for allowing us to visit.”
And then it happened. He looked at me and said, “You follow Tuhan Yesus (Lord Jesus).”
Get this: He had no clue other than the fact that he sensed the Presence and fragrance of the One at work within me. I answered, “Yes indeed, sire.” He looked at me like a curious puppy for a few seconds and then seemed to be moved back a half a step by an Effulgence emanating from me. Instead of turning aggressive, he simply nodded his head respectfully and walked away. And later, as we were leaving the site, I said a blessing on this man, and he said, “amin (amen)” and blessed me back in the name of Allah.
So many things happened in Indonesia. New marriage. New son. New career. New language. New opportunities. And one of them was to be one of the featured speakers for a leadership conference for the best and brightest in that new country. How in the world did an old drunk turn into an accomplished speaker at international events???!!!???
Still, it was not the fulfillment of the dream.
We had been Led to look further up into Asia for a place to work, and it seemed as though we were going to Tokyo. The indicators were that things were going to happen. But suddenly, the door slammed shut. It was perplexing, but faith-building.
Then, the dream happened to me.
i was on road. It was well-paved concrete, and came to a T-intersection. i did not know which way to go… I heard Him clearly, “Go left.” And as i obeyed, i looked off to the side of the road on my right and saw an enormous, unfinished edifice. The building was under construction, but the work and craftsmanship was of very high quality.
What was this about??
Then came the call. It was from China. An international coalition there wanted me to come and teach Bible and Christian philosophy at one of their schools… And going up from my current home base in the Philippines to Tokyo, then turning left, put me on a course directly towards the first city with which i had contact in China.
By the way…. I saw the building on the right hand side of the road on my first day to work in Tianjin. And, I saw it get completed over the next three years.
I dove into the distinct honor and privilege of teaching Worldviews, Bible, and Honors Philosophy in China. The battles here were definitely not physical. And the trials throughout those three years wore me to the bone.
Kenya
I spent a week in Kenya, with a dear brother who runs a school, farm, and orphanage. i consulted on civil engineering, education, logistics, and personal issues. But I also had the chance to preach for a week to a conference of multiple churches. AND, i got the chance to hang out with the people that matter out in the villages – who are in need of everything.
i got back to China, i was invited to be the keynote speaker at an international college students conference. I was able to share hope and good news with hundreds of students from over 60 countries.
i began to realize that the door was closing… There are many adventures to share, but security prevents it. Suffice it to say, that thousands in China were finding freedom, even under political oppression, in their relationship with G_d. If you want to read about how religious China actually is: https://ps1611.org/2018/04/%e4%b8%8a%e5%b8%9d%e6%98%af%e5%a4%a9%e7%8e%8b-king-of-heaven/
As things were getting tight in China, the fellow students dream was fulfilled… In my last speaking engagement, I was in a room that I had somehow seen all the way back in 1986 – in my mind’s eye. i was indeed preaching the gospel, and the room was hard, even resistant to my words. And as circumstances formed the way forward, I realized that this dream had been fulfilled. i had never seen life much beyond that moment (other than the dream about how it will end).
i still have no idea…
But of this, i am sure. The dreams He gives us are true. We have but to follow the path He sets before us. He will make the way sure. Will you follow the dream He is giving you? Tonight is your night, beloved. Time to follow Him wherever He leads.
Horizon
My current road is back in the marketplace, but some year G_d is going to rouse me from sleep, or drive me into the deepest sleep to meet me with my next mission.
Home
The day is bright. I am with a group of people on my road. We are doing something that matters for the Kingdom. My sense is that we are engaged in relief work in a developing and nearly-tropical country. The rugged old, red SUV, is bounding down through the bumps and sideslips. I am sitting on the drivers side, sitting sideways on a bench looking out the window between two other men on the opposite bench.
Suddenly there is a commotion. The area has been unsecure for months, and whatever military groups are holding an area just provide whatever “government” they can. Sometimes that includes violence, but the problem is that some of these little militias like the violent options just a little too much.
We stop. Three of us are on security. I never make it out of the truck. A round strikes me high and towards my right shoulder. i know i’m done. Been close before, so i know what it feels like. … The soldier comes over to check me, and he is some low-ranking officer. These guys were none too happy that we were taking aid to villages in “enemy” territory… So, they fixed the problem from their perspective, but the officer seems to realize that he has crossed a line. i realize i have one last step to take on my road, but i need to take it quickly.
i tell the soldier that its ok. i tell the soldier that i am there because G_d first loved me, and filled me with Love for others in need. i tell the soldier that i am honored he took a moment to listen.
i hear the loudest quiet that i have ever heard. i smell the cleanest air i have ever breathed…..
i look at the officer one more time and i tell him: “You are greatly Loved by Jesus. Seek Him, sir. He will give you the victory you actually seek.” The officer nods and stands with me, respecting the moment he knew was at hand. i smile at him again, and tell him: “Go in peace, sir, i am not alone. Jesus is with me.”
i don’t see much beyond that horizon, but i get a tiny glimpse – and that glimpse has given me courage when even insanity said to run away. That glimpse helps me know that Love, honor, respect, sacrifice, and all things true and beautiful will remain.
All else will be made whole.
And, i will see the One i have somehow always known, and Who has known me from the depths of infinity. i can more smell it than see it, the most beautiful smelling Man draws me into His Arms, and pulls me in tight. “Welcome Home, Makala, I AM so glad you are here now!”
Almost Home. That always gives one, one last portion of strength. Use it. Finish the march. The journey is near done. Then…………. OH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus’ guilt is our innocence; as his captivity is our freedom, and his death our life.
~Malcolm Muggeridge (1903–1990)
