I am more sinful and flawed than I ever dared believe, more loved and welcomed than I ever dared hope.
~Elyse M. Fitzpatrick
And again Isaiah says, “The root of Jesse will come, even He Who arises to rule the Gentiles; in Him will the Gentiles hope.” May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
I myself am satisfied about you, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able to instruct one another. But on some points I have written to you very boldly by way of reminder, because of the grace given me by God to be a minister of Christ Jesus to the Gentiles in the priestly service of the gospel of God, so that the offering of the Gentiles may be acceptable, sanctified by the Holy Spirit. In Christ Jesus, then, I have reason to be proud of my work for God. For I will not venture to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me … by word and deed, … by the power of the Spirit of God …
~paul, The Least of The Apostles & The Chief of Sinners
Oh beloved, it is true.
Many of us tried, and all of us failed in some way. Some us failed in terrible ways.
To be a parent is to be handed eternal seed made live, and to be given near-infinite power over the destination of this ensouled being called: a child. This fool of a writer has been entrusted with six of these souls. Four of them are from my first marriage; a marriage i destroyed.
Through some pain of former trauma, and other large stressors, i chose a path of alcohol, and chemicals that led to the demise of my family, my freedom, my health, my wealth, and my relationship with four really wonderful sons and daughters. And, while I have been living mostly in freedom for the past 11 years, the kids are still “far away.”
These kids have their own trauma and pain to deal with – And in doing so, have foregone any substantial relationship with me. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Sometimes i miss them so badly that it takes my breath away. i sometimes just fall in a heap to my knees and weep. Still, i want them to be whole and at peace. And if it is distance they need from me and my failures as a father, i understand….
The oldest is 32, married, and has two children of her own. She used to be one of my best friends. It was incredible. She went from a determined little 2-year old, to successful grown-up oh-so-fast! And this beautiful young woman used to come home in the evenings and sit at my desk and tell me about her dates, or just whatever was going on in her life and mind. … Even when i began to slip away into my abyss, she visited me and told me that she loved me.
She is one of the most caring and passionate people i know. Her heart yearns for justice for all, and won’t be satisfied until righteousness covers the earth.
My twin sons are 30.
The older twin is a warrior (actually both are, but this one made a career out of it). He had the bearing and presence of a warrior from about the age of four. And, most of his life was focused on this. He grew up protecting his younger sisters, and making the whole family laugh along the way. He has now proved his mettle in hundreds of missions. He has seen the death of battle and punched it in the teeth. He has fought his way through rocket and missile fire to get to his downed brothers. He has flown into the highest mountains to save men fallen in battle. He is a decorated soldier, a sergeant who has led men all the way back to when he was in Basic Training.
He is one of the finest men i know. Really – not just because i am his father.
The younger twin is a fireman. He pursued this dream for some time. He worked his way through all the training, and the disappointment of missing the duty list by “just that much.” Growing up, he felt like he was maybe a little bit in the shadow of his older twin. They are that odd combination of best friends and toughest competitors. And while he maybe thought he was in second place, i reject that idea – and told him this too.
This man is one of the most compassionate and powerful people i have ever met. He is the kind of guy who would – and did – pick his father up when he got out of jail, and got me setup with transportation, clothing and food when nobody else was going to help me.
The youngest is another daughter. She is married now, and recently qualified as a trauma nurse. Beyond this, she is the type of person who simply decided to do something, and then crushed it. One year during high school, she decided to start running cross country. By the next year, she was running in the State finals. She also decided early in her life, to invest heavily in friendships and the lives of others. It was glorious. She could make real friends so quickly.
This daughter is one of the most focused and caring people i have ever met.
And i failed them. i failed them badly. There are a number of years that i so wish i could go back and fix. But they really happened, and those years wore hard on these amazing kids.
Still… something else is real.
Can we see it?
Actually, i could not – until my ex-wife gave me a call one day sometime last year. It was a call out of the blue, and i answered my phone thinking it was an emergency with one of them. But, this good woman called to lavish me with a grace that was beyond my hopes, even my dreams.
She said, “I have meant to call you for some time, but had to pray through all of it to be sure… ” She then continued with “Mak, i just want you to know, that even in all of your falling down, it was clear that you loved your children.” and she went on to say something like “Our children have grown into amazing adults, and they would not have gotten to where they are without you. You had so many good years where you helped them grow in ways that nobody else could have accomplished.”
…. weeping … choking … undone. i tried and failed to respond with anything more than some babbling for nearly half a minute. But the weeping and choking and coming undone were healing for my soul. i had begun to buy into the thoughts that, perhaps i had left only negative marks on their life. It was a gargantuan burden, and the evil one piled it on; “Mak, you didn’t even deserve to have that family. You were all bad in the way you parented… and you deserve what you are getting!”
But the very woman that threw me out of the house so many years ago – that i might die, or get healed – had just put a stake in that lie’s chest. The one who had all the more reason to let me face the consequences of my actions, and to walk away was sitting on the phone with me, and telling me what i had ever hoped to hear: “You Loved your kids. You did much good in their lives.”
The truth is this. Any honest Love and goodness we pour into a relationship, is good forever. Love does not fail. Love simply is – and cannot be made anything else. Of course, it does NOT negate the bad, but Love does cover a multitude of the garbage and pain we brought to the situation. And more so, Love grows of its own accord, because Love is who G_d is. … Yes, me, the chief of sinners, and a total failure at so many things, and one who has hurt my very own flesh and blood – has also inculcated the G_d of the Universe into these precious kids’ souls.
Wow.
i am 100 percent sure, that i am not alone in having failed my kids. So, some of you may be reading this entry and identifying with it strongly. You may too have bought into the lies that you did no good in your kids’ lives.
It is a lie. You, beloved reader, somehow – someway – Loved your kids too. That Love remains. Love is steadfast and eternal. It will bear its good fruit in this life – and the next.
So, are you a father that messed it all up? It is nice to meet you. And yes, you and i need to make our amends the best we can. We need to become men that our kids would be glad they met if they ever chose to do so. We need to grow in Grace that we might never hurt them, or others, in the same way again.
But just as true as the injury caused real hurt, the honest Love we gave our kids remains. It cannot be removed. And… that Love will grow and help that child to Live and receive healing over the years.
Tonight is your night, let us be humble enough to receive this gift: A father’s Love remains. It remains, just as the Steadfast Love of our Heavenly father establishes the superstructure of existence.
I learned that it is better, a thousand-fold, for a proud man to fall and be humbled, than to hold up his head in his pride and fancied innocence.
~George MacDonald
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