i am to live such that 1,000,000 more might walk fully surrendered to Christ. That they might put on His righteousness. That their joy may be full, and that they might pour the peace they are given on all men.
~ Makala Barnabas Doulos, Spanish Towne, Jamaica, 9 November 2011
But you, Israel, My servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
the offspring of Abraham, My friend;
you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are My servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off”;
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Behold, all who are incensed against you
shall be put to shame and confounded;
those who strive against you
shall be as nothing and shall perish.
You shall seek those who contend with you,
but you shall not find them;
those who war against you
shall be as nothing at all.
For I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the One who helps you.”
Fear not, you worm Jacob,
you men of Israel!
I am the one who helps you, declares the Lord;
your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.
Behold, I make of you a threshing sledge,
new, sharp, and having teeth;
you shall thresh the mountains and crush them,
and you shall make the hills like chaff;
you shall winnow them, and the wind shall carry them away,
and the tempest shall scatter them.
And you shall rejoice in the Lord;
in the Holy One of Israel you shall glory.
When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it.
~ An oracle of Isaiah, in chapter 41 of his book.
Oh beloved, it is true.
At least it’s true for those who have been called.
This fool of a writer was, is, and will be a complete wreck of a member of the species homo sapiens. Left to my own devices, I can instantly fall into a series of terrible failures. Over and over, in my 53 years, I have witnessed the incorrigible old man in me try to break back out of the grave and ascend to the throne of my life.
Some of you know my story, so I will not belabor this point. And, if you need any details, the entries are available in this blog. Suffice it to say, that I was truly fallen. Nothing in my life was working, and the choices I made in response only made things worse. And, even though I perceived myself as a true christian, I may have made it through Judgement Day, but like one as who had been saved through fire.
So, after 35-ish years of trying to live a double-life, everything came apart. This was over a decade ago, but some of the fallout is still falling. Some of my closest relationships have never been healed.
However, in the midst of me quite literally bleeding and dying in a cabin in the mountains of Arizona, SomeThing bolted me wide awake. I had been close to death before in some of my work, and I knew the bitter, metallic taste on the back of the tongue. I knew the clarity that comes as our soul begins to realize that may soon not have a body in which to abide. Thankfully, due to much providence and quite few units of blood, I survived that moment in the mountains.
But, it was then that something changed. It had been years since I had heard Him clearly. There He was, though, calling out to me across the vast deserts of the wilderness my sin had created.
And what happened to me in the next year, is not very easy to describe. But, whatever happened, surely did not conform to my sense of how G_d would act towards me. I had seen a future in my existence that narrowed itself down to living in a small apartment, just trying to get by. Everyone in my life had given up on me. Family, and even my mom (who is the most accepting person) just about called it quits on me.
But, He did not conform Himself to my miniscule view of myself and my future. In fact, what happened to me was what He said He would do for anyone who surrenders to His Love and Lordship:
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.
~from Isaiah 61
Said more simply, G_d has restored to me a Life in Himself that is far beyond what i had even dared to dream. He sent me on mission to half a dozen countries. He gave me a wife, that He told me He was going to give me on the other side of the world. He gave me thousands to speak to, and hundreds into which i could pour the new Life i had been given.
Can we see it?
I did not. I did not see the fatigue from the care-worn years descending on me. And so, by a couple months into my return ‘home’ i was facing depression and fatigue. For those who have lived overseas for any time, you know of the culture stress of being an expat. But, what we are often not prepared for, is the double dose of the same that we receive upon coming back to our homeland.
And, in the last year, He called me back to the city where I grew up. At first, it was very disorienting. We were in the thick of the Great Commission in Northern China. And, in one short day, that all came to an end. We were hurt and discouraged, but He got us through.
However, the truth of the matter is that I no longer feel at home in my hometown. I love my church. I am thankful for the incredible job He has provided. I am so glad that G_d is providing a way for us to help our special needs son. But, a dull ache at the base of my soul has been festering for the last few months.
The joy of battle on the front lines of the Great Commission is difficult to describe. But, having one’s entire day taken up by one’s calling is a beautiful luxury. The single-mindedness of a missionary holds some real power. And part of me wants nothing to do with the vapid politics, and even emptier culture that cares only for power, pleasure, money and honor.
And, in the desperate feelings, what has rolled around me is a deep feeling of isolation. Even the feelings like I might just end up in a one bedroom apartment, with that one hanging light bulb, and some AM radio just making noise in the background, seem to be sprouting again. Oh, I know the feelings are not true. But, to be serious, I have been feeling my life slip away again. The dark clouds of hopelessness have been gathering for months.
But G_d!
He is always right on time. For some reason, i was prompted to go and see the passage with which He had called me. It is the one above, from Isaiah 41. And, when i allowed myself the luxury of just sitting still long enough, and listening, I instantly knew what i was needing to hear.
The calling He has on my life (and yours’) has little to do with location. His calling is for us to respond affirmatively to His Loving presence in our inner man. His calling is for us to surrender to the Great Mysteries, of the Great Weaver – and simply to allow Him to lead the dance of our lives.
I am so thankful that I know His Voice. I am so thankful that G_d never wastes a crisis. I am so thankful that He does not go through waves of emotion that would any of us tremble with the uncertainty. I am so thankful that He gave me an actual calling and number of people that He will reach through the life and work of one total failure, made Whole, Alive, and Free in Him.
So, are you feeling the wind coming out of your sails? It happens. But, one sure way to be renewed is to review what He has said to you, about your life. Tonight is your night. Time to let Him fill you (and this fool of a writer) again.
A few years back I was the featured speaker at the Indiana Governor’s Prayer Breakfast. I found myself sitting with the then youngest (thirty-six years old) governor in the country, Evan Bayh. He’s also a very devout Christian. He turned to me and said, “Brennan, you’re in just about every nook and cranny of the United States. You’re in every college and university, from Campus Crusade to Young Life, and in an incredible number of churches as well. What do you hear the Spirit of God saying to the American church?” I said, “Well, Governor Bayh, if there’s one thing I hear with growing clarity, it’s that God is calling each and every Christian to personally participate in the healing ministry of Jesus Christ.”
~Brennan Manning
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