Sadness of soul follows from the heaviness of self-regard, a sadness and weight which precludes real union with the other. Joy, on the other hand…
~ Robert Barron
O LORD, God of my salvation, I cry out day and night before You. Let my prayer come before You; incline Your ear to my cry! For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol. I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am a man who has no strength, like one set loose among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, like those whom You remember no more, for they are cut off from Your hand. You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions dark and deep. Your wrath lies heavy upon me, and You overwhelm me with all Your waves. Selah
~ from Psalm 88
Oh beloved, it is true.
The truth is that G_d set me free over seven years ago. I was a drunk in the midst of 35 years of sincere but misguided Christianity. And somehow, He did it. He set me free from my idiocy and from there i fell in deep Love with all people.
And, after over a year of preparation, He sent me out into the heat of battle in Asia. Oh, it is not that I had no training. I had been studying Scripture and Theology for decades. Even went out on the mission field a couple of times before He finally got ahold of me. But, it is truth to say that I was not ready for the odyssey He launched me into.
I guess I am understanding what some paramedics and some cops go through – an utter disillusionment in their calling, with a deep desire to keep helping at the same time. And both David and Paul have moments of exasperation in Scripture, so i guess i am in good company.
Plus, i now get how real, heroic missionaries had to pull off the front lines. The battle is more intense than military engagement – so foggy, and bitter. Demons are incredibly foul. And now that they know who i am in Him, they rarely present as something beautiful. They know that i can sense them, and hear their voices sometimes. It is a little freaky at first, but then i realized that all i am doing is tuning into the Ephesians 6 reality.
Still, i would not change it. The woman i got to marry is now free, our special needs son is making great progress. A couple hundred people are now in, or deeper into, the kingdom, and i have shared my life with some guys who will continue the battle here in Asia.
And HE is more famous by His work in and through my life.
However, times have been really tough. I am quite sensitive right now. The reality is that i have been overwhelmed in the past six years. Even in this, I finished 13 hours at the Masters level with 3 A’s and a B+. I am cooking dinners, cleaning house, writing (a lot), helping many, fixing stuff, shopping for family, working full time, managing finances in three countries, and trying to get a dozen other things done.
I am doing what I can. I am trying to exercise a little and walk through the terrible pain in my feet, I am having headaches, I have developed Tinnitus that almost drowns out my ability to hear sometimes … Further, In the last six years, I have gone through three cultural transitions, learned two new languages, gotten married, adopted a son, had three new jobs, started a masters degree, started an entirely new safety program at our school, and I have been in chronic pain for over three years.
On top of this, I have been spurned by a supposedly Christian company here in China that I gave 100%+ of my efforts. And then, I just spent the last few months applying for dozens of new jobs, getting four different teaching certifications, and six different technical certifications from Google.
And so, as I have been battered, after a while, I found myself – the designated first responder in so many missional settings – being angry at the victims for scratching my eyes out… I have few illusions of being some sort of savior. History, circumstances, and need just showed up in my face. And so, the flesh in me is screaming “yo! The house is on fire, you are getting crushed, i need to help get you out of here… and you think i am the bad guy???!!!???!!!”
I need to stay in rescuer mindset (just doing my job, effectively, compassionately, but just doin’ my job) – staying in The Spirit, taking leverage away from flesh, and not ‘angry at the victim’ mindset – thus giving the flesh increasing leverage (and it has definitely had moments of wanting to take full advantage!!!)… But, fatigue is a terrible drag on the spirit.
Can we see it?
In all of this, i have survived. I am sad beyond measure. I am worn down to the bone. I often feel like G_d is hanging me REALLY far out the window…. There is, though, a delightful truth.
I am now one very large problem for evil. I love how HE does that stuff.
I feel almost ready for the next march, but that is probably not a very good idea right now. My dearest friend, a cool-head airline pilot, and deep believer in Jesus, said this about me. “You have always been the kind of person to carry yourself on the outside. Brutally honest. Almost embarrassingly honest. That’s not an indictment, it’s admiration. You’ve always been very immersed in your feelings.” Yeah, that’s about right. And so was David. And so was Jesus. And so was Jeremiah. And so was Paul.
So, have you been going where He sends you? And in all of this, getting beat up pretty bad? Sounds like you are probably in the right place. Just hold on. Get rest when you can. And let Him pull you off the front lines when He sees the time is right.
It is always darkest before the dawn.
~ Unknown
