Contempt is fueled by long-festering negative thoughts about another person. When negative beliefs invade a relationship, eventually you stop seeing the positive. At that point, a thing called “confirmation bias” sets in. Confirmation bias is a type of selective perception. It’s a way of subconsciously choosing what you notice about a person. When it kicks into gear, you start zeroing in on anything that tends to support your established convictions and beliefs while ignoring everything else. If your perspective is negative, you focus on the negative. You notice what the person does that frustrates, hurts or disappoints you. No matter what, you will find what you are looking for — good or bad.
~ from Focus on The Family
Why do the nations rage and the peoples plot in vain? The kings of the earth set themselves, and the rulers take counsel together, against the LORD and against His Anointed, saying, “Let us burst their bonds apart and cast away their cords from us.” He who sits in the heavens laughs; the Lord holds them in derision. Then He will speak to them in His wrath, and terrify them in His fury, saying, “As for me, I have set my King on Zion, my holy hill.” I will tell of the decree: The LORD said to me, “You are my Son; today I have begotten You. Ask of Me, and I will make the nations Your heritage, and the ends of the earth Your possession. You shall break them with a rod of iron and dash them in pieces like a potter’s vessel.” Now therefore, O kings, be wise; be warned, O rulers of the earth. Serve the LORD with fear, and rejoice with trembling. Kiss the Son, lest He be angry, and you perish in the way, for His wrath is quickly kindled. Blessed are all who take refuge in Him.
~ Psalm 2
Oh beloved, it is true.
There are people who are not worth relating to. There are those where it is better to simply move on. There are times to just turn the other cheek, bless and move on. However, in all things, we should move on without two of the most toxic elements in a relationship:
Fear.
Contempt.
With fear, we like Peter, look at the waves that inevitably come from contact with others, instead of looking at the other.
In contempt, we devalue the near-infinite value of the human in front of us.
But, the two are related. We fear others because we think they may hold us in contempt. And we pour out our contempt on others, because we are actually afraid to work through the tough things in a relationship.
Can we see it?
None of this works. G_d has the ability to have contempt for others, because He IS better than everyone else. But, the rest of us? It is truly the worst kind of projection.
And fear is only rightly directed in one direction: towards G_d. And, in fearing Him, we find that no other person is worth wasting our time fearing.
So, are you stuck in a cycle of cynical contempt or paralyzing fear in your relationships? Perhaps it is time that we listen to the truth: Stop it!
Tonight is your night. Either move into the relationship, or bless and move on.
Happy is the man in whom there is love for God, for he bears God within himself. The one in whom there is love is with God, above all things. Whoever has love in himself does not fear. He is never mad at anyone, nor does he exalt himself above anyone. He does not calumniate anyone, nor does he listen to the calumniator. He does not compete with anyone, is not jealous, does not rejoice in the fall of another, does not slander the fallen, but sympathizes with him and helps him. He does not disdain his brother who is fallen into need, but helps him and is ready to die for him. Whoever has love fulfills the will of God.
~St. Ephraim the Syrian, Spiritual-Moral Letters
