Like faith and hope, trust cannot be self-generated. I cannot simply will myself to trust. What outrageous irony: the one thing that I am responsible for throughout my life I cannot generate. The one thing I need to do I cannot do. But such is the meaning of radical dependence. It consists in theological virtues, in divinely ordained gifts. Why reproach myself for my lack of trust? Why waste time beating myself up for something I cannot affect? What does lie within my power is paying attention to the faithfulness of Jesus. That’s what I am asked to do: pay attention to Jesus throughout my journey, remembering his kindnesses.
~ Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God
I thank Him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because He judged me faithful, appointing me to His service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display His perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in Him for eternal life. To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.
~ paul, The Least of The Apostles, in 1 Timothy 1
Oh beloved, it is true. We think we repented. And it is true that we did. The issue, though, is that often we think we chose to do it.
We were going along in our rebellion. Oh, it’s not that things were really going that well. But, we didn’t really think things could be that different. So, we just kept going; hurting along the way. It was more of a rebellious misery. We kept getting what we thought we wanted, but we obviously did not know what we wanted.
As things got worse, we thought we might just try to blame someone. So, we lashed out at those around us. And, when that didn’t work, we lashed out at G_d Himself. We cursed Him for our pain. We whined as we drank down the wine of our disobedience. We clenched our fist at Him at we shot ourselves full of chemicals and shot down our chances at anything in life.
Then it happened.
It wasn’t fair. It was truly the most unreasonable thing Anyone had ever done to us… We were so ignorant of what He was really like. We thought we understood. G_d was good to those good people, and He gave bad things to guys like us, who did bad things. We had a handle on His ways, and we thought we were already out of the game, so we would go play our own way.
We were wrong. Grace and Mercy and Steadfast Love ruined our game.
And for most of us, the first move He made on us (us lost boys) was a rod across our back. It was a disciplinary strike from our Creator, that drove us to our knees. Oh, many of us tried to get up (even quite a few times) and run, but the rod just came down harder – finally buckling us under the blow. There was the oddest thing about it though….
We felt it. What was it? Could it be? What??? And for some of us, it was the first time we really understood. He Loved us. He wasn’t trying to hurt us. He was showing us there was no other path to healing…
The blows were so much different than what many of us had endured under the hateful breath and beatings of hateful parents or uncles or bullies at school. They were exceedingly more powerful. But, they felt completely different. They overflowed with kindness and purpose. They were designed to draw us in, rather than to send us scattering or cowering in fear.
We turned and looked… “OH MY!!! It’s You!!!” He answers, “Yes, you will follow Me now.”
And we do. Suddenly we have been overwhelmed by a Force well beyond our ability to resist. We have been looking for love and acceptance all these years in our rebellion. We were trying to find it on our own before, but now It has found us. We have been pursued by the Fairest Among Ten Thousand – by the very King of The Universe – and we have been won by His patient and purposeful pursuit of us.
Can we see it? Paul did. The only power that can draw me to G_d, is Love. And, He Himself is Love. Only He can bring me towards Himself. Humans have such an incredible strength of self desire, that the only thing we can do (and even this takes grace) is to turn and behold Him.
But, once we do turn and behold Him… We are done. There is little we can do but see His amazing face, His incredible Love, His very real goodness, and His overwhelming kindness. From here, we are drawn into an embrace that never needs to be withdrawn.
So yes, we can refuse to turn around and look. Love allows this. However, this refusal to repent dooms us to never find what we are looking for in our rebellion and blasphemy and insolence. You could refuse to look. But, would you let this fool of a writer preach for a moment? Don’t! You will be missing the most amazing Person. He Loves you, and is making this moment even possible – right now.
Turn and look. Everything you are looking for is in His Eyes.
Penitence does not grow by our looking gloomily on our own badness, but by looking up to God’s loveliness, God’s love for us.
~William Congreve (1670-1729)
