G_d: I Just Thought You Would Want to Know

If you expect to find peace in the friendship of any person, you are likely to be disappointed. But if you are intimate with God, the disloyalty or death of a friend will not crush you.
~Thomas à Kempis (c. 1380-1471)

“Give ear, O heavens, and I will speak, and let the earth hear the words of my mouth. May my teaching drop as the rain, my speech distill as the dew, like gentle rain upon the tender grass, and like showers upon the herb. For I will proclaim the name of the LORD; ascribe greatness to our God! “The Rock, His work is perfect, for all His ways are justice. A God of faithfulness and without iniquity, just and upright is He. They have dealt corruptly with Him; they are no longer His children because they are blemished; they are a crooked and twisted generation. Do you thus repay the LORD, you foolish and senseless people? Is not He your father, Who created you, Who made you and established you? Remember the days of old; consider the years of many generations; ask your father, and he will show you, your elders, and they will tell you. When the Most High gave to the nations their inheritance, when He divided mankind, He fixed the borders of the peoples according to the number of the sons of God. But the LORD’s portion is His people, Jacob His allotted heritage.
~ Moses, in Deuteronomy 32

Oh beloved, it is true.

We can get so tired. We are just wasted sometimes. Our frames get tired. And we wonder whether we are ever going to get a break from the daily grind of the path He has set before us.

Oh, we are glad to be in the game. We know that the end is amazing! Just to know that my walk with Him has an ending (that is a beginning) FAR beyond what I can even begin to imagine, is a source of Hope far beyond this fool of a writer’s ability to put into words.

But sometimes… We just ache. It is, perhaps, the hope. It is the expectation of forever freedom, and this longing to be set free from the bonds of our flesh and circumstance. We know it is going to happen someday. But, the getting there. The getting there is far beyond our abilities.

We are pressed in from all sides. And the world does its very best to keep us from getting to where He wants to take us. On top of this, our physical frames age. And the stresses of living out on the cutting edge of His work and commission, often take us across time zones and cultures in ways that wear us down.

I have, in the past 5 years, lived in four countries. Further, i have had the beautiful opportunity to begin to learn two foreign languages. Beyond this, i have had nearly 600 students in courses ranging from Cambridge English, to Honors Philosophy. Additionally, i am working on a second master’s degree, helping around the house, and writing up to 2,500 words per week.  It is not a stretch to say that i sometimes feel stretched a little thin.

Lately, too, i have had the opportunity to sense afresh the loss of some of my relationships. My past, as many of you have read, is one where addiction and my disobedience caused great distress to many people in my life. Mostly, it hurt my kids. They are now grown, and it is not altogether clear to me that they will ever want any sort of relationship in this life.

This hurts in ways that would would be sacrilegious for me to try to describe. I miss my kids in like lungs miss air. I desire to hang out with them like a soldier desires a warm meal, a shower, and a good sleep after a deployment. It is a clean pain. There is no infection any more. But, it is a pain nonetheless.

Many years ago, up on a mountain, some 10,000 km from my current posting in China, i met Him in the sun for an afternoon. I wept on His chest, and told Him how much i missed my kids. He asked me to put them into His care. And, in exchange for my willingness, He gave me a gift beyond value for a father. He told me that He Himself would tell them that I love them – every day. Hearing G_d’s Voice is really a powerful healer in tough situations.

So, for years, this has been the only real sense I have had about the status of my relationships with them all. They are grown now. So, some of the distance is now much more normal. They are growing into their career paths, and beginning to explore the world themselves. But still, i often miss them like the sky misses the sun. And i wonder… do they ever miss their dad?

It was in this space, a couple days ago, that He again tipped His Hand, and showed me His Great Sacred Heart.

Can you hear it beat?

One of my kids had just posted a picture from a trip she is taking to a foreign land. It was a scene of European town. A place that others in our family had visited over the decades. I left a little note. Just wishing for her and her companions to enjoy the journey…  i left it there. My expectations over the years have dimmed. I no longer expect them to even respond to me.  Please, do not see this as a request for pity. It is a freedom that is growing – a letting go that grows in goodness, and hope.

So, i left the little greeting on social media, and walked off into my day as an educator in China… But, something nagged at me. A little catch in my spirit. I have learned (mostly) to slow down, and to listen. However, in this case there was only silence. So, i asked Him… It was a voiceless and wordless question. He heard it better than I could, it was a groaning within much too deep for words.

He answered, “She loves you.”  And, rather than just saying, “oh wow!” It actually kind of hurt; it stung. And i reflexively asked Him, “Why did You just tell me this?”  I mean, my inoculation from the pain of missing her was almost working this week….

OH! He is full of surprises.

He said, “I just thought you would want to know.”

Oh my.

Yeah, I have been wondering about this.

So, are you troubled, beloved? It’s OK. He is with you. And you, if you would trust it, would find that you are His friend. He is trustworthy for sure. But Friends like Him, begin to trust you with information too. Ask a few questions. He will answer.

Tonight is your night. Time to believe you are a friend of G_d.

If God be my friend, I cannot be wretched.
~Ovid (43 b.c.-a.d. 17)