Bittersweet is a word not understood by most. Only them who have heard the enormous roar of His quiet Peace above the storm through which they have passed, know this word’s true sense.
~ Makala Barnabas Doulos
My God, my God, why have You forsaken Me? Why are You so far from saving Me, from the words of My groaning? O My God, I cry by day, but You do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Yet You are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel. In You our fathers trusted; they trusted, and You delivered them. To You they cried and were rescued; in You they trusted and were not put to shame.
~ A lament of the King of The Universe, in Psalm 22
Oh beloved, it is true. Some of us have been crushed. And it was not the circumstances in life that put us under their weight. No, it was the weight of life itself. There was fear and dryness to the whole thing that seemed so inescapable. The dull, restless pain of each minute tore into us. And our only scant hope seemed to be to escape from the reality we thought we were inhabiting.
Even forever seemed so daunting. For we could only imagine an existence as slow and anxious as the one we inhabited. And for this same existence to be drawn out into an ever-narrowing throat of time and dimension, brought upon us a fear that we would not have wished upon the worst of our enemies.
This fool of a writer believed in a god. He even believed in a Jesus, of some sort of historical reality. He even believed that the same Jesus that died on the cross, was alive today, and would return again. But when i chanced to crack open the pages of my dusty study Bible, it was as though i were reading some sort of textbook – even though i believed this same Jesus was my Savior.
It seemed as though i was stuck, by myself, in time, hurting, forever. And the Jesus i would meet one day would just be travelling with me down the same tunnel. Surely we would run out of things to do, and then the utter panic of a forever of boredom, without sleep, utterly stuck in an eternal rut would begin. Panic would ensue. Dark, utter, mind-shattering terror at the prospects of this sleep-deprived, bright and sterile existence tore away at my sanity.
And even when i was able to suppress this urge to panic, the pain of life around me was only made worse by my selfish and short-sighted responses to it. Chemicals and food and lust and sleep and anything, anything at all to keep me from thinking about the way i hurt, and the existence of hurting forever that lay before me.
Oh to cease to be. Even that scared me. Fear. Anxiety. Panic.
And still in all of this… A Voice was calling me from very early in my life. It was so kind and so gentle. Something in me knew that somehow, some way, everything could be ok someday. i could not cease to be. There had to be something more. And someday this same One would answer my questions. No matter how long it took.
Years though, and roll upon rolling waves of (mostly) self-induced pain, brought me to a place where i lay literally bleeding out in a small town hospital in the mountains of Arizona. Malnutrition and bleeding ulcers from alcohol abuse and jail time, along with the life-killing effects of high-anxiety had brought me to the very edge of my ability to keep living. Just a few hours before, in a cabin in the mountains, i had awoken from a nap, knowing (for sure) that i was dying. Somehow, though, something rose up within me and said, “Live.”
Somehow, i did. And with the Love of a praying mom, and the help of a great many people (including the wife and children who had pushed me out of my own home), i stumbled into a place in New Jersey where G_d speaks to hearts and transforms lives. And, as i walked around the corner from the intake station, i heard Him. He said it clearly. “I AM so glad we get to keep our appointment. Just you and I. We can talk as long as you want.”
i wish i could complicate the issue. But i can’t. i just finally understood something that i hadn’t before. Jesus was real. Jesus was my Friend. But mostly, He just liked me (a lot), and wanted to spend forever showing me the riches of this whole mystery. And the piece that put all of this together for me was to see that He was bigger than eternity and time and forever and infinity and all that stuff.
Somehow, in that moment came an awareness (which has only grown) that all is well. And in sensing the presence of a Friend like Him, my fear and sadness simply fled away. Then, in knowing – really knowing – that this same Friend is the One with whom i would be forever, the joy of my existence become finally (and truly) known to me.
And He can be the same for you too.
Can we see it? He is Life. There is no fear in His Presence. In Him is only Love and strength and joy and peace and clarity and everything else that is good and whole and real and alive. The secret is no secret at all, and the great sadness in many of our lives is really only a lie. Jesus Loves you. Oh how He Loves you beloved.
So, are you in the great sadness? Good, but it can be place to remember, for the joy of it being gone. The Voice is there. It is there for everyone. It is but for us to listen. And the more we do, the more the falseness falls away, and the freedom grows. Tonight is your night beloved. Time to listen.
