Hold my faith for me! I cannot grasp it right now!
~ An African mother in travail of childbirth, to her attendants.
The disciples of John reported all these things to him. And John, calling two of his disciples to him, sent them to the Lord, saying, “Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?” And when the men had come to him, they said, “John the Baptist has sent us to you, saying, ‘Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?’” In that hour he healed many people of diseases and plagues and evil spirits, and on many who were blind he bestowed sight. And he answered them, “Go and tell John what you have seen and heard: the blind receive their sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, the poor have good news preached to them. And blessed is the one who is not offended by me.” … When John’s messengers had gone, Jesus began to speak to the crowds concerning John: “What did you go out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken by the wind? What then did you go out to see? A man dressed in soft clothing? Behold, those who are dressed in splendid clothing and live in luxury are in kings’ courts. What then did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I tell you, and more than a prophet. This is he of whom it is written,
“‘Behold, I send my messenger before your face, who will prepare your way before you.’ I tell you, among those born of women none is greater than John. Yet the one who is least in the kingdom of God is greater than he.”
~ Jesus, King of The Universe, in Luke 7
Oh beloved, it is true. This fool of a writer is a Thomas. i am also the weaker brother, as i cannot safely partake of almost anything without it beginning to take a hold of me. It seems i have to see the object of my faith before i really believe, and i cannot touch anything lest i stop being free from it.
And for the last six and a half months my precious bride and i have been pursuing a path He has put before us. We are moving to China to teach and share life with a large number of international students. My Thomas-like tendencies, and my fleshly weakness have bombarded me all along the way.
Through the entire process, there have been significant hurdles and issues. And as i have moved forward, i have found that my faith feels a whole lot more like fear and disbelieve than bravado. Each step has taken me to a place where my stomach aches and i find myself nearly retching in prayer.
And each time, He has proven Himself faithful. Cues from His Word, from friends, from dreams, from counsel, from circumstance and from all over the place have brought us to within 12 hours of knowing whether we be going to China as a family or not.
There is one more hurdle, and even after the last 657 have been gone over, or knocked down i still find myself being assaulted by my flesh and the spiritual forces of wickedness. They haunt my bright dream of the new place we will live. So much so, that i feel wobbly.
However, a dear brother reminded me tonight that moving forward has little to do with feelings, and a whole lot to do with actually moving forward. He said it this way,
Can we see it? If this is what courage looks like, i guess i understand what most heroes feel like. We feel like we are just doing our job. And mostly, we kinda feel like there about a zillion ways we could have done it better. Said more simply: Courage sometimes feels pretty tenuous. And it actually feels like fear.
I guess it is not that i do not trust G_d. It is more that i don’t trust myself, or even my own interpretations of what He would have me to do. And i guess too, that this is pretty much of a good thing. My flesh, and my ego are horrible direction-givers (and so are yours beloved). We come to a place in our struggle that we utterly surrender to the only Way that works: Him.
So, are you struggling down the path He has set before you? That’s OK. Just keep stumbling and wobbling your way there. He will give you strength even in the falling. Tonight is your night. Time to just keep going where you know He is sending you.
Just go.
