The greatest weakness of all is the great fear of appearing weak”
~Jacques Benigne Bossuel
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.
~ Romans 14:17-19
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Cor 12:9
May the record show, this silly blogger is naught but a mess.
He is now living in victory, but the train-wreck level of wreckage of his past life is only beginning to be cleared.
He is chemically clean, but so sensitive that he has to be careful about even taking tylenol to avoid fulfilling some need to comfort or protect himself from pain.
His finances are in order, but he has to be careful about having any extra money. The temptations are just too abundant.
He lives a life usually free from lust, but can’t even safely watch TV/movies, or go to the grocery store without having some of his desires ignited (so, he does none of the former and as little as possible of the latter).
His eating is under control, but usually he can’t even start eating a cookie… because that cookie will turn into four or more.
He is free from compulsion or constraint, but feels no freedom to be distracted by secular music or books.
And on it goes… my life (to an outsider) would look like i am some kind of monk. No TV, no alcohol, no nictotine, no movies, no secular music, no sex, no drugs, etc.
Why?
Well, in my prideful past, i used to think i was the stronger brother; that one with the liberty to walk freely among the world – and that none of that stuff could really touch me. That it wouldn’t really get in the way of my relationship with God.
Well… yeah, i was wrong. Big-time wrong.
And then i found Him. Oh, i believed. i might have even been saved from hell for 35 years prior. But, after that day… He began to save me from myself.
One day, i was sitting at the bottom of the misery i had brought on myself. i was looking on my coffee table at the Bible i could just not bring myself to open. And, right there, G_d provided that final nudge of grace that was needed to get me into just the right spot. Sitting just a couple feet (but a million light-years distance spiritually) from where i am sitting right now, i said a simple prayer.
“God. Just do whatever you gotta do.” And i meant it.
He listened. And He did. And so now, readers all over the globe are now hearing about how G_d takes us, loves us, kills us, and makes us new. Really cool stuff. People are getting loved, encouraged and helped by this one who lost it all and found Jesus.
And once He set me free from all that old stuff, He replaced it all with His righteousness and peace and Joy and HIM! No longer was my life about eating and drinking (especially drinking). And it became clear to me that i did not have enough bandwidth in my existence to accommodate anything but Jesus in my existence. i have done a little research after surrender, and realized that i simply cannot stomach having much unsupervised interaction with the things and pleasures of the world.
i am the weaker brother.
My faith in Him is abidingly strong. But my faith in myself is non-existent. Said simply: i’ve got nothing of worth – in and of myself – to bring to the table. i am naught but an empty vessel, an instrument, a weapon to be wielded by G_d. He is the only One that can do anything good in and through my life.
And so, yeah-you-may-have-guessed-it, now i’m really confused.
Who is the weaker brother? The one who is so weak that He can’t even watch TV and has to hide himself in the shadow of G_d’s presence? Or is this same guy, really, the stronger brother?
Not sure i’ve got this one figured out. Not sure it needs to be figured out. i will just stick with the righteousness and peace and joy in His Spirit, and see where He goes from here.
Want to come along? It’s really fun! We’ll figure it out together with Him who has all the strength anyway.
God wanted weakness—who so weak as I?
~Hannah Hurnard (1905-1990)
